What is relational intelligence? Why is it important, and how can we improve our relationship IQ. In several blogs or post recently I have mentioned that the quality of our lives is dependent upon the quality of our relationships. Unfortunately we often pay little attention to the quality of our relationships, and often give little thought to what we can do to make them better. I am interested in the quality of all relationships, however, recently I am particularly interested in intimate relationships. Some people are born with a predisposition toward being socially adept and intelligent, and of course some are not as fortunate. I suspect that women tend to develop an ability to use language more proficiently than men. This is a general statement and probably just an opinion. Most people believe that women talk more and are likely to get more practice using and manipulating words and language. Even if we do have more social intelligence it does n't mean that we actually make use of this ability in intimate relationships. Many things can get in the way, and one of those things tends to be our emotional reactivity. I have mentioned before the concept of "The Limpic Hijack". This is when our reptilian brain steals energy from the problem solving part of our brain. We don't make our best decisions when we are in fight or flight, and protecting our ego. The way we learned to communicate in our family of origin plays a major role in our intimate communication. When we are under stress we often"decompensate", or revert back to the behaviors that were common for us when we were younger, and the behaviors that we witnessed, as we repeatedly observed our parents and other adults who were models for us, and whose behaviors we emulated. Although we might refuse to believe or admit that we may be like a certain parent in any way, as some people say, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree". How have we learned to give to others, and how do we receive from others might be important questions to ask ourselves? What do we give, and what do we know about what our partner actually wants? When I was 9 years old I bought my mother a model airplane for her birthday. God, I am still embarrassed about this. My brother shamed me into seeing the error of my ways. Unfortunately I haven't changed all that much. Although I never bought by ex-partner a model airplane, I am guilty of giving her what I thought she wanted, and not what she actually wanted quite frequently. I was very good at asking her what she wanted for her birthday, or a special holiday. I would often ask, " Where would you like to go today, or where would you like to have dinner", but on another level, I often assumed I know what she wanted. I could have asked "What can I do for your today", "What do you want, or what would you like"? Some people might say I am beating myself up, but I don't really think that is the case. I believe that we need to check in with ourselves, and as questions related to how we are doing in our relationships? It would be good if all of us could accept some "relationship accountable", This could be a whole other blog or article title. Do I apologize when I am hurtful or thoughtless? Am I talking in a respectful manner? Have I become complacent and lazy in my relationship? Am I bringing life, excitement, and energy to the relationship? And again as Ester Perl says, "Are they getting the leftovers", after we put out energy for everything, and everyone else during our day. Often we can gain understanding from reading and looking at ourselves. Sometimes we need to be honest and admit that we need individual counseling, couples, or marriage counseling to help us get unstuck.
Do I have Relational Intelligence?
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