We live in a society that is so incredibly outcome driven. It seems that we are often judged by what we can produce. What we can produce is measurable. How much money do we make, the quality and beauty of our home, our neighborhood, these are the standards by which we are judged and often judge ourselves. Can we separate the outcome driven life that many of us lead, from the way we relate intimately and romantically? Is the way that we live the same as the way we make love? Is our lovemaking product oriented, or do we judge ourselves by what we can produce in our bedroom. What incredible pressure to put on both ourselves and our partners. How can we possibly relax and experience deeper levels of pleasure and an intimate loving connection? And again, when we don't achieve as we believe we "should", shame again comes into play. It is difficult to relax when we are constantly stimulating our fight or fight response, and criticizing ourselves for what we can't produce. Of course we know this is often problematic for men, but I suspect that it is equally problematic and troublesome for women. I once attended a lecture by a Buddhist Zen Master. He talked about our tendency to frequently rush around in a frenzy as we are trying to get everything done. (Something for which I can easily relate. I personally have a challenge slowing down) He asked the question "Do you know where we are all going"? after the audience responded, he stated, "We are all going to the cemetery". Can we really separate the way we live from the way we make love? Ester Perel makes the statement, "Tell me how you were loved, and I will tell you how you make love", She makes another statement that I believe is very valuable, "As our sense of self improves so does our love making. She talks about the difference between "eroticism", and "sexuality". Eroticism is not goal oriented, and when we focus on the erotic we use our entire bodies. It is about giving and receiving pleasure, thoughtfulness, and responsiveness, and not about our sexual apparatus, which she says can often fail us, but our hands, our smile, our eyes, our sense of smell, touch and other senses are always reliable. If this is something you would like to learn more about I would suggest you see her video "In Search of Erotic Intelligence".
Eroticism vs Sexuality
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