We all want to live in a comfortable environment with a pleasant atmosphere. Although many of us accomplish our goal of having a physically comfortable home, many of us are not as comfortable in our relationships as we would like to be. The divorce rate tends to be about 50%, worldwide, however it has dropped in the United States to around 40% recently. About 75% of people report being unhappy in their marriage or couples relationship. In 1975 Richard Bandler and John Grinder published a book entitled "The Structure of Magic", both of these men had been influenced by Virginia Satir, a successful and famous family therapist, and Milton Erickson a famous Psychiatrist who specialized in hypnosis. They came to believe that our language structure has a powerful influence on our sense of well being. Not only does language have an impact on our mood and well being, but the way we structure our communication with others has a powerful influence and impact on the way we relate and connect with each other.
We have the potential for creating "Magic", in our intimate relationships. We also have the potential to create "less than magic". What is the structure that we need to bring about this desired loving connection that we really want. What is it that creates "Magic". What does this loving relationship look like? More importantly, what does it feel like?. What if you were to stop reading for a minute and imagine this experience.? What is this loving relationship that will match the aesthetics of our beautiful home. It takes learning and continuous effort. Like a beautiful garden, this relationship needs to be tended to every day. We need to get rid of the belief that it should happen without effort. It takes self control and for most of us it requires that we change some of our behaviors. No big deal we just need to get rid of some habits that have not been working well for us. We can do it! Sometimes we identify ourselves with our habits and don't want to give them up. It is as if they are us. Our habits are not us, they are only ways that we have learned to communicate and relate to others. For better or for worse! I have heard this phrase many times, "I wish I knew then what I know now". This is true for me as well. We are all learning, and we can all ask how we can improve the way we communicate, so we can act in a more loving and caring manner. So we may intern can get the love we want from our partner. This may seem selfish, but it is a good selfishness. It makes both people happier. I know I need to make changes, I have learned many things from my past that need to be unlearned. For most of us that are not happy with our connections, there are many things to learn and maybe unlearn.
We can learn new things at any age, and we can become more skillful, understanding, and compassionate. Can one person improve the quality of a relationship? The answer is Absolutely! When one person changes, the dynamic between two people changes. Quite often the other will change as a result of the dynamic changing. The environment becomes healthy and both flowers blossom. If only one person continues to make the effort and the other doesn't respond, it would be like one hand clapping, however, most often when one person becomes truly knowledgeable, and makes the effort to change their behavior, there will most likely be positive movement in the relationship. It will just be a prettier song, with better rhythm, and a more beautiful dance. Structuring Magic Couples counseling and marriage counseling can be invaluable to help move your relationship in a more living direction.