In the last post I asked, "Why do we fight in intimate relationships"? Another important question is,"How Do We Fight in Intimate Relationships"? There are "so many", reasons that we fight, and as I mentioned fighting in an intimate relationship is important, probably even necessary. Sometimes people don't fight, or don't fight enough in my opinion. I suspect it may frequently be good to have some lemon in your tea. Too much lemon, however, can really ruin the taste. It is the quality and intensity of the fighting that will determine if it will bring about a positive resolution. To bring about a positive resolution we need ground rules that guide our behavior during these conflicts. These ground rules will help adjust the correct amount of intensity of our conflict, and will keep the focus on the issue which makes things less personal. I believe that couples need both togetherness and separateness. The balance between understanding our partners needs and defining our own individuality is often a challenge. At least it has been for me. When couples do not fight, sometimes it because one partner is going along with the other's desires and is not defining their own individuality or their own separateness. They have given away their personal power. I have mentioned before that I see relationships as "breathing". Harry Chapin's song, "All My Life's a Circle" was released on an album in 1972. The lyrics say "I found you a thousand times I guess you've done the same, and then we lose each other it"s just like a children's game. It was when I first heard the song that I thought of a relationship as breathing. I mentioned before that when we get hurt, angry, or frustrated we tend to pull away. As we express our hurts and needs to our partner and we have the potential for healing. It is like building a muscle, in order to strengthen it we must tear it first, (but not too much) as it heals, the muscle mass increases and strengthens. It is in the reconnection and healing of a conflict that the relationship becomes stronger. Sometimes we may need help to improve communication and couples therapy or marriage counseling can be extremely valuable in learning how to have more productive conflicts and develop more closeness in your relationship.
The Wonderful Breathing Relationship
Click here to view and print forms for your appointment.Click Here