I post a lot of information regarding couples relationships and parenting, or parent child communication. I try to give information that will help us communicate better and improve the quality of our relationships. It is not my intention to create another expectation where we shame ourselves because we are not good enough, or because we aren't doing things perfectly. The idea is to gradually improve what we do to make our own life better, and the lives of those around us better. I want to be clear that I have my own struggles, and I can not always do what I suggest is the ideal way to communicate or relate to others. I can easily become defensive, just hit the right vulnerable spot. I do work toward relating with others with certain rules that I create for myself, and try to allow my actions to follow from by own personal values. We live in a very competitive culture, and often don't really want to share with others our shortcomings. Others frequently don't know what goes on inside our minds with regards to what we are thinking, and within our bodies with regards to what we are feeling. Others frequently don't know what goes on in our personal relationships, and often people believe that thing are fine when they are not. As Ester Perel says, "our good friends can get divorced and we never even knew there was a problem or saw the breakup coming". Because we are so competitive (things have to look just so}. We frequently present to others something that is different from the reality of our experience, or the truth of our relationships. It can seem as if everyone else is doing fine, and there is something wrong with us. In a less competitive culture things might be quite different. We may more easily share our experience with our family and friends. Unfortunately by the time we do share with others we may make our partners look like monsters, or we have already broken up, or both. What if we could talk with our friends about how we could improve regarding our own behavior, and the challenge that the other presents to us. Could we share our challenges without vilifying the other. There is so much pressure to be "perfect". If we didn't feel the need to be so perfectionist we would frequently be less defensive. Is it the difference in our partner or family that that creates the big challenges or is it their similarity. I have come to believe that it is often the similarities that are problematic, not always but frequently Often times when we are struggling in a relationship it is that we are both defensive and are unable to see the situation from our partner's position or point of view. Do we really want others to know that we are defensive, hurt, sad, angry, or feel powerless? Can we even admit these things to ourselves. Most of us get defensive quite frequently. Most of us become self absorbed quite frequently. Most of are fragile at times. Most of us have some degree of difficulty self-regulating at times. But too frequently no one can know, not even ourselves, but we do see it in the other. We are all, "messed up". And the more we believe we aren't, possibly the more we are contributing to problems in our relationships. A more positive way to frame this is that we are all flawed and imperfect. The more aware we are of our imperfection and accepting of our shortcomings, the less defensive we can become, and the greater our ability becomes to communicate more effectively, and lovingly. Can we learn to value our own imperfection. Another of my struggles. How do we shift from the idea of perfectionism to one of gradual improvement and self acceptance?
We All Come Up Short
Click here to view and print forms for your appointment.Click Here