Unfortunately some couples do not fight enough. It may be the resolution of the conflict that strengthens the relationship. This short post is following up on a previous post entitled "Intimate Conflict and The Hidden Need", I stated in that post, that under each fight or argument,there is always a need that is not being met, possibly for each person. I have also heard it said recently "that within each criticism there is a wish", This statement I believe is extremely valuable. What if we could teach ourselves to think differently about our partner's behavior? How valuable would it be to re frame, the other's behavior at least at times, and be willing to look at our interaction from different perspectives? How many times in my life could this have been valuable for me? Well, we can only live and learn! Ester Perel, who I have mentioned before, talks about "themes", that are hidden under the dialogue of our communication. What is it that is occurring underneath the "thing", that appears to be the source of our conflict (There is just so much I have been learning from her. I am greatly appreciative of her willingness to share her thoughts, perspective and knowledge, and that I have been able to listen to her lectures.) We all know that quite often we are not arguing over the coffee pot, the closet door not being closed completely, or some other issue that seems to be the focus of our disagreement. The underlying issues or themes seem to occur in three areas. These include, "power and control", "closeness and care", and "respect and recognition".They may be a little difficult to identify initially, however, it could be invaluable for us to begin to better understand what is actually the source of our conflicts and arguments. What are they "really" about? Can couples counseling help us improve our ability to communicate better? Of course, but it is not absolutely necessary all the time, No!
Why Do Couples Fight?
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